Stuck in Perpetual Adolescence
Somewhere in your heritage - maybe recently, maybe way back - the communities that your ancestors lived in conducted rites of passage that guided people from adolescence into adulthood.
These rites of passage looked a thousand different ways, and there are some vestiges of them that remain today, like the prom, graduations, weddings, or even the so-called “midlife crisis.” Unfortunately, these modern versions lack the depth of meaning and intention that are necessary to help us clearly step into a meaningful and robust adulthood.
Consider adult plants and animals: what is their role in an ecosystem?
While this is a vast question with millions of answers, in general, adults are the sturdy ones, fully grown into themselves, who are providing life or shelter to young ones. They may still be learning from elders in their family group, as is the case among elephants or whales, but their role is to lead, provide, protect, feed, blossom, nourish, listen across generations, and live into who they know they are.
Capitalist culture keeps people locked into perpetual adolescence by design.
Imagine if all of the adults in this world were self-aware, robust, community-oriented grown-ups…do you think working for pennies in lives of drudgery would still exist? Would we still destroy the Earth and our childrens’ futures so that we can drive fast cars and make war and stream Netflix?
It’s much easier for the status quo to continue when adulthood is narrowly defined as “getting a job and doing what the boss says to do,” or “earning as much money as possible,” which is why we need to look outside of the current human experience and remember what adulthood can really be like: meaningful, fulfilling, sturdy, integrated, and life-giving.
It’s painful to feel like you’re stuck in a stage that’s less empowered and resourced than you want to be.
Adolescence is beautiful, but it needs to be integrated and intentionally passed through - we don’t want to stay in that inner heat and angst forever. There are many people in our culture who are technically adults because of their age, but who were never given the chance (or who never made the choice) to fully step into a meaningful adulthood.
While dominant culture is a long way off from providing us with proper rites of passage, I do believe we can create small pockets where this imperative work takes place.
We need more adults in this world.
We need more adults who know who they are, know how to metabolize their shit, know how to resource themselves, and are able to hold others up in their sturdiness.
I am by no means done figuring out what it means to be an adult in these chaotic and painful times, but I can say that I’ve undergone enough rites of passage - some by choice, some by chance - to have become a grown woman.
Some of the qualities of a robust adulthood that I’ve needed to develop and that I see in others are:
A balanced understanding of how systems of oppression impact us while also embodying personal responsibility
An increased capacity for discomfort (whether physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual)
Knowing oneself well enough that our callings and talents can find their way into the world, whether through art, work, our relationships, or just the way we are
The skill to take care of oneself well enough that there is space and capacity to care for others (whether children, the elderly, those who have been marginalized, or others in need; for those carrying heavy loads themselves in the form of trauma, disease, or chronic illness, this may look like the skill to claim the care we need ourselves)
A personal relationship to our more-than-human kin and our spiritual nature
This early Spring period while the Sun is in the bold fire sign of Aries is an excellent time to refresh your commitment to be the source of steadiness that your family, community, or ecosystem needs right now.
Capitalism would love for us to stay in a shadowy, perpetual adolescence: angsty, impulsive, holding yearnings with no place to go, unsure of ourselves, and convinced of our immortality.
Allowing our world to come back into balance, with care and beauty at the root, will require that we step more fully into our roles as adults.
For those of you in the Portland area: Heather Dorfman, Megan Hayne and I are offering an adult rite of passage program this Spring and Summer, and it’s called Rise Up Rooted. We’ll be looking to the land to help us integrate our births, childhoods, adolescent years, and cross into a more meaningful adulthood with intention and ritual.